Triangulation: How the Narcissistic Manipulator Pulls The Strings

Triangulation: When an abuser seeks to gain control by pitting people against each other by limiting communication and acting as the victim or as the “messenger”. The abuser may twist words, withhold information, or simply lie about what was said by another party to create conflict and division in others’ relationships.

Triangulation stirs up division and conflict amongst family members or coworkers, which serves multiple purposes:

1. The abuser gets to sit back and enjoy a sense of control as the drama they orchestrated unfolds.
2. The abuser can keep everyone occupied with unnecessary conflict to prevent anyone from noticing their manipulation, thus avoiding accountability.
3. The abuser enjoys the ego boost they get from watching others compete for their favor and approval.
4. The abuser can strategically insert themselves at the center of the family by pitting others against each other and creating division within other family members’ relationships. They want everyone effectively isolated and dependent on them.
5. By triangulating others against an individual that they feel threatened by, they can maintain a sense of balance and control.

How to Spot Triangulation

A common sign of triangulation is a lack of direct communication and constructive problem-solving between family members. You may find the abusive or manipulative character in question comes to you to vent about problems they have with other family members but seems uninterested in resolving the conflict. In fact, they may seem to feed off and enjoy the tension and drama. These individuals will generally avoid approaching the party they are upset with to resolve the issue. Instead, they will complain to others about the individual they are upset with in hopes of escalating the drama by involving others in the issue.
 
The running theme to look for is a focus on problems and a complete disinterest in solutions or conflict resolution. An attitude of self-pity, martyrdom, and self-victimization is common. This is an act put on by the manipulator to get attention, feed their self-image, and rally others to their cause.
 
Communication between parties is often filtered and distorted through the manipulator, with the manipulator twisting words, inventing false narratives, or withholding information. This allows the manipulator to effectively control the relationship dynamics in a way that suits their agenda.
 
A manipulator uses triangulation to target, isolate, and control an individual that they somehow perceive to be threatening. The party that has offended the manipulator may have set a boundary with the manipulator, disagreed with the manipulator, or somehow triggered feelings of jealousy or insecurity in the manipulator. The individual the manipulator is triangulating others against may have no clue that the manipulator had a problem with them in the first place. The victim of triangulation will often experience confusion, disorientation, a sense of betrayal and isolation, disillusionment, and shock.
 

Divide and Conquer

​The manipulator may seek to plant seeds of doubt in the victim’s other relationships “Sally is jealous of your new promotion”, “They’re taking advantage of you”, or “Jeff doesn’t really like you”. The manipulator may label these efforts to control and isolate as “concern” and may insist that they are “Only looking out for you” or that you are “too naïve” or “too trusting” to take care of yourself. The victim will begin to lose trust in their own judgment and in their relationships. Gradually, without intervention the manipulator will isolate the victim. This may eventually lead to the victim consulting the manipulator on matters and believing the manipulator’s perception is more accurate than their own.
 
The manipulator is afraid to lose control and often will rarely allow family members (or coworkers) to be alone together without demanding a report of all that was said and done outside of the manipulator’s observation. They don’t like the loss of control or sense of exclusion that comes with not being kept in the loop, since they expect others to behave in the way that they do-betraying trust, gossiping, ostracizing, smearing, and lying.

Join The Dark Side...

Triangulation may occur out of an attempt to establish a quick bond that feigns emotional intimacy with another individual. The manipulator is testing the waters to see if you will play in the mud with them. “Did you know that he said this about you?” or “Can you believe she wore that?”. The manipulator attempts to sway you into viewing others the way they’d like you to, thus conforming to their sense of reality, all while encouraging bonding through mutual dislike of another person. In essence, they are attempting to recruit you as a potential flying monkey.
 
Be wary-should you participate in the gossip; the manipulator may then tell the other party what you said, conveniently omitting their part in the gossip. This creates a situation where the manipulator has successfully pitted others against each other while securing a position where they are front and center. Should you decline the invitation to participate in their triangulation or smear campaign, you may trigger feelings of rejection, insecurity, and fear of exposure in them, and they will likely select you as their next target of gossip.

Responding to Triangulation

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1. If you are the victim of triangulation, focus on what you can control. Find support outside of the family or workplace, make time to practice regular self-care, and remember-take nothing the abuser says or does personally. The problem is NOT you. The manipulator’s behavior is a reflection of his/her own unresolved issues.
2. Don’t buy into the manipulator’s version of events. Trust only direct communication from the source.
3. If you must respond, practice the grey rock method. The manipulator wants you to react with strong emotion. Don’t. Be very boring. Practice keeping a calm and unconcerned facial expression. Keep your responses short, concise, and uninterested. Someone who is seeking to create drama will become frustrated and bored when they can’t retrieve an emotional reaction from you.
4. Approach conversations with the manipulator with a clearly defined goal in mind. Focus on the necessary subject matter. The manipulator may attempt to go off on tangents and talk in circles-interject and simply repeat the relevant question or response necessary.  Redirect the conversation and stick to the relevant subject material.
5. If possible, end interactions once the goal of the interaction has been achieved or once the manipulator begins an attempt to triangulate. “I’d love to chat, but I’m heading out now” or “I’m really busy, I’d love to catch up another time”.
6. If you can’t leave the interaction, divert their attention. “Hey, did you catch the game last night?” or “Did you finish that project at work you mentioned earlier?”.
7. If you are comfortable with a more direct communication style and have assessed that your safety or emotional well-being isn’t at risk, you could directly state something like: “This sounds like it involves so-and-so and it’s really bothering you. I would feel more comfortable if you took your concerns to them or to a therapist rather than to me. I can’t offer help with this”.

 
Remember: The manipulator is looking to sweep you up into their drama, so that you enter an emotionally charged and reactive state where they can more easily manipulate and control you. By emotionally dysregulating you, they emotionally regulate themselves. Feeling that they have control over others allows them to feel a sense of stability. Take a step back from the situation and if possible, give yourself time and space to evaluate the best course of action for you.