Wearing Trauma GlassesChildhood trauma has a way of distorting our vision. I like to think of it as walking through life wearing a pair of glasses that are the completely wrong prescription. The world around you, other people, and your own reflection look blurry, warped, and out of focus. You’re stumbling through life, squinting through these glasses, bumping into other people, running into walls and furniture. You don’t know how you got here, but you know that you just want to see clearly. But you’re terrified to take the glasses off. You’ve had this prescription for as long as you can remember. You’ve even gotten used to wearing them by now. You’re used to constantly squinting and straining your eyes, used to the constant headaches. You’re used to not being able to trust your own vision. In your peripheral vision, maybe there is a part of your awareness that recognizes that something is off about these glasses. You know it’s chronically painful to wear them; they give you headaches and it’s difficult to engage in your life with them on, because you’re squinting so hard trying to see clearly. You notice that other people seem to be able to safely navigate the world without bumping into walls and stumbling around. You want to visit your optometrist to get a new prescription, you want to take these terrible glasses off, you want to navigate the world around you with clarity. You want to be able to function without the constant pain and headaches. But these glasses are all you’ve ever known. From the time you were old enough to walk, this was the prescription you were given, and even when you tried to protest and take them off, the adults around you insisted your vision was faulty, and these glasses were the right way to see the world. Maybe these adults also had the wrong prescription, and it was considered perfectly normal in your family of origin to squint, bump into walls, and stumble through life. According to the family narrative, the world was supposed to look blurry, distorted, warped, and twisted, and everyone in the family saw it that way. They couldn't see themselves clearly, and they couldn't see you clearly, either. Being Raised in a Dysfunctional Family Teaches Self-SabotageI could go on with the glasses analogy, but I think you get it. We trust the faulty perception of the world, relationships, and ourselves that was so deeply engrained in us in childhood. This was our normal, the air we breathed. Then we grow up and take natural steps towards increasing independence. We interact with the people and the world around us and begin to question how accurate our way of perceiving and functioning really is. You might become increasingly aware that others you come across don’t view the world and their relationships in quite the same way. They seem to possess a vision for their lives, have confidence in their perception of who they are, and clarity about how to communicate and express themselves in a healthy conductive way. You might observe them with a combination of awe and envy. How do they do it and make it look so easy and effortless? They function well in their day to day lives, take care of themselves, speak openly and truthfully, and enjoy deep, enriching relationships. This is a jarring contrast to how you might see yourself. Children raised in dysfunctional families, particularly when one or both parents are abusive and/or personality disordered, grow up keeping the spotlight on the parents’ emotions and needs. For the golden child, the toxic parent uses them as a mirror through which they can see their own positive attributes reflected back to them. Every child in such a family is deprived of being truly seen and known for who they are. The opportunity to cultivate their own sense of identity, purpose, and passions is often squelched under the need for the abusive parent to remain at the center. Attempts at engaging in creativity, self-expression, and the development of a healthy sense of self are mocked and ridiculed, criticized, stunted, and even punished with further abuse. These attempts at establishing a healthy sense of independence threaten the toxic parent’s need for control and sense of reality. The child’s attempt to become their own person challenges the projections the narcissistic parent has made onto the child of who the child is “supposed” to be, runs counter to their deep seated need to remain at the center of the child’s and family’s attention, and threatens their sense of security that is dependent on maintaining control over the family. For children who were cast into the family scapegoat role, they may have been taught to identify with failure and to employ self-sabotage as a protective mechanism. If they were successful, they risked receiving punishment and jealousy from the abusive parent. This child is treated as the receptacle in which the parent projects their innermost insecurities, shame, and flaws. They may internalize their parent's lack of love and preemptively abuse and punish themselves to "beat them to the punch". At least this way, they unconsciously reason, they can maintain some semblance of control. This can look like avoiding opportunities for growth, ending loving relationships and pushing others away, and giving up just before reaching a goal (for instance, quitting a job when there's a chance of being promoted). They fear experiencing happiness and enjoying success, as their experience has taught them happiness can soon be taken away from them. Some sensitive children are aware that their happiness and success elicits their parent's jealousy and triggers their insecurities, so they attempt to downplay their achievements and joy in an attempt to protect their narcissistic parent's fragile self-esteem and avoid punishment. From a young age, this child likely had the message (spoken and unspoken) that they were inherently bad, no good, and destined to fail. Holes were poked in any effort they made to please the toxic parent. In reality, the abusive parent is threatened by the scapegoat and sets about convincing the scapegoat that they are ultimately worthless. Their own internalized rage and shame is directed outward onto the scapegoat. The use of self-sabotage as a protective mechanism can also be seen in the lost child and in the parentified hero child, who struggle to establish a healthy sense of self after a childhood of self-suppression for the sake of survival. They experience a great deal of fear around attracting attention, positive or negative, as they experienced punishment, stonewalling, and retaliation from the toxic parent for “rocking the boat”. These children are sensitive souls who are deeply aware of the emotional atmosphere in the family. The lost child sets about making themselves scarce and “invisible” to avoid attracting attention to themselves. They find a sense of peace and deep relief from being alone and fear any notice being drawn to them, while simultaneously daydreaming of a life of deep enriching friendships and relationships. The parentified child (or hero child), sets about putting out the family fires, resolving conflicts, acting as the surrogate spouse, third parent, and little therapist. They provide the parent with emotional support in hopes of gaining recognition and love and seek to anticipate the parent’s needs to quell any potential outbursts. Some enduring childhood beliefs might be “If I just give them enough love, they will love me back” and “It’s all my fault, I’m responsible”. These learned childhood adaptations are then carried into adulthood. We might be afraid to allow ourselves to hope, dream, or try. Especially if we make mistakes and have failed attempts along the way. Mistakes in dysfunctional families can be punished severely and used as inherent proof of our inadequacy and shamefulness. Embracing a New Self-Narrative We have to begin to gently shift the narrative and realize our perception of ourselves and of the world around us is inaccurate. It came from the perceptions and false core beliefs our dysfunctional parents carried themselves, and in turn, imposed on us. Children believe in their parent's perception of them. They need to hear that they are good, worthy, capable, intelligent, kind, etc. In many ways, the words a child is told are the words they act in alignment with into adulthood. As adults, we can recognize that our parent's perception is unreliable and distorted. Taking this a step further, we can recognize that we don't need to accept the criticism of someone we wouldn't want to model ourselves after as truth. Looking at the person the toxic parent is outside of their role as parent, and objectively looking at the way they live their life and operate in their relationships, is this someone who's input would be wise to trust and listen to? If you have fused your identity with failure, shame, and worthlessness, then your way of being will act in alignment with that identity. Realize that just as you were taught to identify with those things, you can teach yourself to identify with other, more truthful, and life-giving things instead. Through consistent reframing, intentionally correcting cognitive distortions with new thoughts, and allowing yourself to practice gentle self-compassion, you will gradually notice a shift in your mindset that trickles into how you feel and behave in your everyday life. CBT can be particularly helpful with this work. Mistakes are okay to make. They are learning opportunities. Some of the greatest discoveries in the world were made by mistake. Does a healthy loving parent yell at, criticize, and berate their infant for stumbling and falling when they take their first steps? Probably not. They cheer them on, encourage them to pull themselves up, and try again. With each attempt to walk, those muscles get stronger and stronger, until the baby can fall, confidently get back up, and try again. And soon enough, before you know it, they’re walking. You are no different. Envisioning the Life You Want as Part of Trauma RecoveryI want you to visualize reaching the end of your life. What will you wish you had done? What kind of person do you wish you had been? Are you going to look back and regret trying to achieve your dreams? Probably not. Although identifying with failure is uncomfortable, we’ve become familiar with being uncomfortable. It feels safe, doesn’t it? Staying within the confines of that safe little box, sticking to the limitations others imposed on you that you’ve now learned to self-impose. We tell ourselves all of these self-limiting, self-fulfilling prophecies: “I’m not smart/funny/interesting/good-looking enough”, “I’m bad at x,y,z”, “I can’t be consistent”, “I could never do that or have that”. Sometimes, it’s more subtle: “I can’t leave that job because so-and-so needs me” or “I can’t eat well and take care of my body because I’m too tired, too stressed, don’t have the time”. Choosing to pursue the hard thing is worth it, every time. The thing that scares you that you’ve been avoiding, that raises all of your self-doubts and gets the internalized voice of the toxic parent talking-that is the thing that is going to bring you the most meaning, passion, and satisfaction with life. The scary, exciting things that ignite a little spark deep within us are innately God-given passions and pursuits. Without them, we lack purpose and struggle to find meaning. It could be taking charge of your finances, your physical health and well-being, traveling, writing a book, picking up an instrument, or signing up for that art class. Maybe for you, it’s quitting your job and starting a business. Maybe it’s choosing to start a family and breaking generational cycles of trauma and abuse by becoming the parent you never had for your kids. Maybe it’s pursuing that degree you convinced yourself was too out of reach, too daunting to achieve. Take baby steps. Get out a journal and a pen. Envision yourself in a decade. What is the life you’ve lived? Where are you? What are you doing? What does your day look like? What kind of person are you? How do you feel? Be extremely detailed, let your spirit run wild. What clothes are you wearing, what does your house look like, what is your significant other like? Do you have kids and family of your own? What are your friends like? What kind of job do you have? What hobbies do you enjoy? If You Want to Grow, Get Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable The internalized critic, fear, and toxic shame from childhood will try to emerge, but you don’t need to pay attention to it. It’s just trying to keep you safe-it figures if you don’t ever try, you can’t ever fail. It fears you making mistakes. But you can handle making those. Fearing change is normal. We experience fear any time we do something new. Going on a date and meeting someone new, starting a new job, graduating, having a child, getting married, etc. Change is uncomfortable, and our brains naturally seek comfort to keep us safe, even if what is “comfortable” is actually just familiar discomfort. Embracing the fear with the confidence that you will find a way to move forward is what will always result in a reward. What is the first baby step you can take in the here and now towards making your vision happen? You don’t have to pressure yourself to go all-in right away. Pay attention to the fear and discomfort. How does it feel in your body? If it could speak, what would it say? Have a dialogue with it. Recognize that fear's only goal is to keep you safe from negative feelings and experiences. Thank it for looking out for you. Offer yourself reassurance, soothing, and validation. Notice any changes in how your body feels afterwards. Ultimately, you will find a way to figure things out as long as you continue to try. You’re an adult now, with adult capacities and resources. The more mistakes you make, the more those muscles strengthen, and the more you will be able to dust yourself off, learn and reevaluate, and continue on. This is how we begin to heal and reclaim ourselves.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.