Reparenting Your Inner Child: Creating an Inner Parent

Inner child work is a common concept often used in recovery and trauma work. Cultivating a relationship with our inner child helps us to build a deeper sense of self-compassion. The inner child provides us with a new perspective through which to view our pain, that allows us to nurture, understand, and heal ourselves. If we haven’t experienced nurturing or had compassion modeled to us in our childhood, inner child work can be difficult to put into practice.

Individuals who grow up with a secure attachment to their primary caregivers naturally adopt a positive internal guide, engage in positive encouraging self-talk, practice protective boundaries, and are actively responsible for their well-being. Individuals with insecure attachment styles (take this quiz to learn more!) benefit greatly from constructing an image of a loving inner parent. As we practice approaching ourselves as a compassionate inner parent, we can help heal our insecure attachment style and begin to establish an earned secure attachment.
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Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) uses the concept of the “Compassionate Other” to help create an image of an ideal nurturer. Some forms of inner child work may refer to the “Inner Parent”, however, the Compassionate Other can be a person, animal, spiritual being, or a part of nature. If the concept of visualizing an Inner Parent is too activating or uncomfortable, particularly for those who have survived abuse or neglect at the hands of a parent or caregiver, creating the image of a Compassionate Other may be more feasible.

When we have an idea of what a loving parent/caretaker looks like, we can begin to develop a concept of how we would like to approach and reparent our inner child. The purpose of developing this ideal inner parent is not to place blame on our parents or caregivers, but rather to give us an idea of how to approach ourselves with compassion and meet our needs in the here-and-now.

The Compassionate Other, or Inner Parent, is meant to embody the characteristics of the ideal parent or nurturer. They are attentive, empathetic, protective, wise, strong, loving, etc. Considering the attributes a good parent possesses can be helpful. Since each child’s needs are different, your Inner Child may require an Inner Parent or Compassionate Other that has the qualities they are needing most. Maybe it’s important for your inner child that the Inner Parent be responsible, as the inner child may have a need for stability. If your inner child is needing to be heard and validated, they may require an inner parent who is attentive and empathetic.

When we struggle to care for ourselves, particularly if we have a history of trauma or a traumatic upbringing, we may need to cultivate an image of a positive inner parent. If our inner parent or compassionate other is not fully developed, we could be missing structure to our lives, engage in negative self-talk, abdicate responsibility for our self-care, etc. It is important to note that some of the behaviors listed below can be related to other conditions and disorders; please consult a doctor or licensed therapist if needed.

​Some signs we may need to develop our inner parent or compassionate other include:
 

• Difficulty implementing boundaries
• Boundaries are too rigid with little allowance for others
• Chronically late
• Financial irresponsibility, impulsive spending habits
• Lack of planning/preparation skills
• Excessive TV watching
• Negative self-talk
• Oversharing, trauma dumping, vulnerability floodlighting
• Avoiding asking for help or fear of relying on others
• Inadequate nourishment (not eating enough, a diet lacking in nutrient dense foods, not honoring the body’s hunger/fullness cues)
• Self-sabotage in relationships, academically, in the workplace, etc.
• Untidy living space
• Having a passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive communication style
• Not making or attending doctor’s appointments
• Omit information or lie to avoid being in “trouble”
• Poor hygiene
• Over involvement in others’ lives (codependent behaviors)
• Engages in a victim/martyr role to avoid responsibility
• Abdicates decision-making and problem solving to others
• Not taking needed medication
• Inadequate sleep, inconsistent sleep schedule
• Difficulty taking ownership for mistakes
• Unmanageable expectations of self/others
• Lack of expectations for self/others
• Not advocating for self or others
• Unsafe sex
• Avoids voicing personal preferences, opinions, or beliefs
• Engaging in risky behaviors
• Substance use
• Out of touch with personal values
• Lacks a sense of self
• Avoidance of difficult conversations
• Often overwhelmed by emotions
• Minimizes needs and wants
• Breaks commitments regularly
• Places blame on self or others
• Assume others will “mind read” and know our thoughts and feelings
• Avoidance of therapy and recovery work

 

Approaching ourselves as our ideal inner parent or compassionate other gives us the opportunity to be gentle and loving towards ourselves while we practice a sense of self-responsibility. Viewing ourselves through the lens of the ideal caregiver helps us to provide ourselves with the nurturing, understanding, and structure that we need in our day to day lives. If you have a child already, viewing yourself through this lens can be incredibly powerful. As a parent, we would likely want to ensure our child was properly fed, clothed, and cared for. We would make them doctor’s appointments, provide them with a clean home, and encourage them to pursue their goals. We would also be a soft place to land when our child needs comfort, a listening ear, and guidance.
 

Resources

• The Inner Child Workbook: What to do with your past when it just won't go away by Cathryn L. Taylor
• Compassionate Other-Script, a helpful Compassion Focused Therapy Exercise
• Reparenting to Heal the Wounded Inner Child, an article by Shirley Davis at the CPTSD Foundation