Inner child work is a common concept often used in recovery and trauma work. Cultivating a relationship with our inner child helps us to build a deeper sense of self-compassion. The inner child provides us with a new perspective through which to view our pain, that allows us to nurture, understand, and heal ourselves. If we haven’t experienced nurturing or had compassion modeled to us in our childhood, inner child work can be difficult to put into practice. Individuals who grow up with a secure attachment to their primary caregivers naturally adopt a positive internal guide, engage in positive encouraging self-talk, practice protective boundaries, and are actively responsible for their well-being. Individuals with insecure attachment styles (take this quiz to learn more!) benefit greatly from constructing an image of a loving inner parent. As we practice approaching ourselves as a compassionate inner parent, we can help heal our insecure attachment style and begin to establish an earned secure attachment. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) uses the concept of the “Compassionate Other” to help create an image of an ideal nurturer. Some forms of inner child work may refer to the “Inner Parent”, however, the Compassionate Other can be a person, animal, spiritual being, or a part of nature. If the concept of visualizing an Inner Parent is too activating or uncomfortable, particularly for those who have survived abuse or neglect at the hands of a parent or caregiver, creating the image of a Compassionate Other may be more feasible. When we have an idea of what a loving parent/caretaker looks like, we can begin to develop a concept of how we would like to approach and reparent our inner child. The purpose of developing this ideal inner parent is not to place blame on our parents or caregivers, but rather to give us an idea of how to approach ourselves with compassion and meet our needs in the here-and-now. The Compassionate Other, or Inner Parent, is meant to embody the characteristics of the ideal parent or nurturer. They are attentive, empathetic, protective, wise, strong, loving, etc. Considering the attributes a good parent possesses can be helpful. Since each child’s needs are different, your Inner Child may require an Inner Parent or Compassionate Other that has the qualities they are needing most. Maybe it’s important for your inner child that the Inner Parent be responsible, as the inner child may have a need for stability. If your inner child is needing to be heard and validated, they may require an inner parent who is attentive and empathetic. When we struggle to care for ourselves, particularly if we have a history of trauma or a traumatic upbringing, we may need to cultivate an image of a positive inner parent. If our inner parent or compassionate other is not fully developed, we could be missing structure to our lives, engage in negative self-talk, abdicate responsibility for our self-care, etc. It is important to note that some of the behaviors listed below can be related to other conditions and disorders; please consult a doctor or licensed therapist if needed. Some signs we may need to develop our inner parent or compassionate other include:
Approaching ourselves as our ideal inner parent or compassionate other gives us the opportunity to be gentle and loving towards ourselves while we practice a sense of self-responsibility. Viewing ourselves through the lens of the ideal caregiver helps us to provide ourselves with the nurturing, understanding, and structure that we need in our day to day lives. If you have a child already, viewing yourself through this lens can be incredibly powerful. As a parent, we would likely want to ensure our child was properly fed, clothed, and cared for. We would make them doctor’s appointments, provide them with a clean home, and encourage them to pursue their goals. We would also be a soft place to land when our child needs comfort, a listening ear, and guidance. Resources
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
January 2025
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.