For adult children of abusive and narcissistic parents, the holiday season can be a tremendous source of pain and stress. We are bombarded with all sorts of cultural messages regarding the sanctity of family. Hallmark movies and holiday commercials capitalize on rosy family get-togethers and the importance of creating family memories: mothers in the kitchen warmly smiling at their children as they bake Christmas cookies together, family gatherings around the table for dinner, visiting loved ones, etc. Even when family dysfunction is recognized in these movies, the magic of the season miraculously heals all wounds and brings everyone together just in time for the big finale. The season brims with glaring reminders of our lack of family and parental relationship around seemingly every corner. Many of us are haunted by the loving family that we never had. As of 2020, “1 in 4 Americans are estranged from their families-roughly 67 million people” (Lloyd, 2022). If 67 million other people are estranged from their families, odds are you aren’t the only one in your community struggling to cope this holiday season. As our friends, coworkers, and loved ones prepare to spend their holidays with their own families of origin, we might be overwhelmed by the prospect of spending our holidays away from our families, or even of being alone for the holidays. The holidays can trigger a jumble of mixed emotions in adult children of narcissistic parents. Pressure to “forgive and forget”, feelings of social exclusion, and defying the cultural norms that sanctify all things family generates feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation. We wanted a loving family; we just didn’t get one. Many of us clung to hope that our abusive parent would change their ways and our relationship with them would at last be loving, affirming, and safe. We clung to that dream with steadfast hope and devotion even as the abuser broke our hearts, violated and battered our bodies, and scarred our minds. Children naturally seek to love and connect with their parents. Children that have estranged themselves from their parents have been forced to choose the unnatural. Warm and fuzzy memories of past holidays with our abusers can leave us questioning if we made the right choice to estrange ourselves or to “go no contact”. It wasn’t all bad all the time, after all. Abusers often use this sentimental time to reach out to us (see hoovering here) in hopes they can convince us to resume our relationship with them. And if they can’t manage to fish a reaction out of us or pressure us to interact with them, they choose to resent, envy, and ruminate in their bitterness from afar. They can’t let us go. They can’t accept that we’re happy without them, that we’re no longer catering to them, and that we’re content living our own lives. They do not want us to have peace, because they do not have peace, and if they don’t have it, they certainly don’t want us to. Narcissistic individuals are known for ruining joyful occasions and holidays for the simple reason that you feel joy while they do not. They can’t control joy, and if they aren’t the source of joy, they really can’t control it. The concept of joy, good will, peace, and love evade them. They can’t understand such concepts and they envy those that experience them. For these reasons, abusers have a difficult time when we aren’t in their grasp during the holidays. The idea of you joyful, surrounded by loved ones, at peace in your own home, and creating memories that they are not in control of is hard for them to stomach. In fact, it makes them quite angry. They will not bother to look below the hood of this anger to see it for the envy and lack of love that it is. It is much easier and requires much less courage to label the person that will no longer cater to their dysfunction as the problem. Some of us might feel guilty and ashamed to be so relieved, even giddy and joyful, at the prospect of spending the holidays out from under the shadow of our abusive parents. We’re free to relax, smile, laugh, and play with no eggshells to tiptoe around in sight. We can do as we please, without any of our abuser’s criticism, manipulation, guilt-tripping, fighting, jealousy, controlling, violence, attention-seeking, nosiness, martyrdom, etc. It took 3 years of estrangement from my abusers before it dawned on me that holidays can actually be peaceful and enjoyable. The feeling brings to mind Kevin McCallister's gleeful realization in Home Alone (1990) "I made my family disappear". It's okay to be relieved that you're no longer being abused. At last, we can have peace and experience the joy the holidays have to offer, whether we are surrounded by loved ones who we have chosen as our family or whether we are alone with ourselves. While we weren’t given loving homes, we have the opportunity to create one for ourselves. We can choose to reclaim the holidays and make them our own, even if we’re still spending them with dysfunctional family, even if we’re still processing our pain, and even if we’re spending them alone. The fact is, we survived, and that deserves to be celebrated. For those of us who have gathered the strength to walk away from toxic and abusive family, now is the time to commend ourselves for our resilience. We now have the freedom to choose how we want to celebrate. It’s safe to feel joy. It’s safe to relax. We’ve made it. I want to encourage you to redefine what the holidays mean to you. Let yourself relax and have fun. Make new traditions. Give the season a new meaning. New Holiday Traditions
References:
Schumer Chapman, F. (2021). A new holiday tradition for the estranged: Quit social media. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 7, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/brothers-sisters-strangers/202112/new-holiday-tradition-the-estranged-quit-social-media Lloyd, S. (2022, September 18). Why adult children are cutting off their parents more than ever. Newsweek. Retrieved November 11, 2022, from https://www.newsweek.com/parenting-family-mom-dad-children-estrangement-cut-off-1739384
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.