You collapse into bed only to stare up at the ceiling, your mind racing, counting down the hours until you have to get up and do it all over again. Your shoulders are tense, your stomach churns, and you grind your teeth through the night. Want to see how strong your boundaries currently are? Take the Boundaries Assessment. We hear the word “boundaries” used frequently in the trauma recovery and mental health world, yet we rarely are told exactly when and how to use them. The word can seem vague, overwhelming, and confusing. We know that the way we’re living isn’t working. We know that we’re tired of feeling resentful, overwhelmed, irritable, sick, angry, depressed, isolated, and lonely. We might be envious of others that assert themselves and prioritize their own self-care, silently judging them for being selfish and even bitchy, secretly fearing that if we dared to do the same, we would be considered selfish and bitchy. How did we get here? For women in particular, we have been socialized to put the needs and wants of others ahead of ourselves and our own interests. This habit becomes even more deeply engrained when we’re raised in a dysfunctional home where we learned as children to adapt to meet the needs of our caretakers. This is done to ensure our survival. “If I make mommy happy, she’ll love me” or "If I don't disagree or express my feelings and needs, daddy won't get angry" become motivating factors for the self-abandoning behavior. Children can and will alter their personalities and lives for the sake of making their parents happy and maintaining an illusion of control and safety. Some children spend their childhood striving for academic achievements, smiling and being agreeable while stuffing down their own feelings, playing the family therapist, caretaking their parents and siblings, managing the bulk of the household tasks, and not asking for what they need so as not to upset the fragile family system. This is “parentification”-we ignore our own needs and feelings and assume the role of emotional and physical caretaker for the family, although we are children in need of caretaking ourselves. Parentified children will forgo their own interests in order to pursue the hobbies and careers their dysfunctional parent wants them to, for instance, forgoing dance classes for soccer, or abandoning their dreams of being a writer to attend med school and become a doctor instead. Although the expectations are always expanding, the pressure is overwhelming, and the goalposts are always moving, sometimes, it pays off. Mom or dad smiles at us, brags to the rest of the family about our achievements and tells us that we’re a “good girl”. For a moment, our hearts are singing, we feel warm and full, we’re glowing with pride. Our subconscious mind silently absorbs this information. If we just keep abandoning ourselves, stuffing down our feelings, giving, achieving, and prioritizing others’ needs, then we’ll be loved and accepted. Voila! Our relational blueprint is made. This is how we were trained to behave in relation to ourselves and others from here on out. Until, of course, we become aware of this subconscious pattern. Being the “good girl” costs us. It costs us our freedom, peace, health, money, energy, relationships, opportunities, and our authenticity. We wander through life feeling lonely, resentful, unfulfilled, depressed, and overwhelmed. But we don’t have to. Realize That You Have Choices You can choose to say no. Tell yourself “I give you permission to choose”. Not choosing is choosing. Remaining silent, not saying no, and going with someone else’s desires or demands is choosing. You can choose whether or not you want to agree to someone else’s request. Work on Compulsive People-Pleasing If you find yourself nodding along when you actually disagree, smiling when you aren’t happy at all, and saying “Yes” automatically when someone makes a request, you might be compulsively people-pleasing. Take a breath when someone makes a request. Tell them that you need to check your schedule, that you’ll get back to them with your answer. Experiment with not smiling when you don’t want to (this can be difficult for a lot of women in particular, as we’ve been socially conditioned to appear pleasant and accommodating). Disagree with something small, like where your partner wants to go for dinner or which show on Netflix you want to watch. You might be surprised by how little people react to this or even notice. In fact, people will generally start to respect you more when you have preferences and opinions of your own. Schedule 15 Minutes of Bliss a Day Our current hustle culture pushes for productivity and striving for success day in and day out. Making time for self-care and rest can be viewed as unnecessary, excessive, and even selfish in our culture. Yet, our society is facing a mental health crisis. For 15 minutes a day, do something completely unproductive that allows you to zone out, get off the carousel, and just be. Doodle, stretch, meditate, buy yourself flowers, play with your pet, light a candle and enjoy its scent, or sit and look out the window. Lay down and just breathe. The world can take care of itself for 15 minutes. Give Yourself Permission to Have Boundaries Write out a list and start out each bullet point with “I give myself permission to…”. For example: “I give myself permission to tell my mom I need to hang up the phone”, “I give myself permission to leave dates and parties when I feel uncomfortable”, "I give myself permission to ask Ashley to refrain from making comments about my body", or “I give myself permission to disagree with my boss”. Give Yourself Permission to Own Your Own Feelings Your feelings are yours to feel. Your self-care, health, and life is 100% your responsibility, and no one else is as invested in the quality of your life as you. Likewise, other people’s feelings are theirs to feel. Their problems are theirs to solve. Although we may have survived our childhoods by caretaking others, it isn’t helpful to manage other people’s lives for them. This invades others’ right to autonomy and takes away the opportunity for them to face challenges and learn from their experience. Sometimes, trusting that people have the ability to sort out their own issues is the most loving thing we can do for them. I highly recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie if this topic resonates with you. Pause. Check in With Yourself. Set a reminder on your phone to check in with how you’re feeling throughout the day. This gives you an opportunity to start to identify your feelings and needs, then prioritize them. Approach any feelings or physical sensations with curiosity rather than judgment. Are you hungry? Take the time to stop what you’re doing and get yourself a snack. Are you feeling guilty for saying no? Remind yourself that you have permission to prioritize your needs.
Consider your internal gut instincts when making decisions. Do you feel resentful, angry, uncomfortable, or annoyed at a request? These are indicators that a boundary is needed somewhere.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work.
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.