Oversharing, Emotional Dumping, and Trauma Dumping-Oh My!

Oversharing and trauma dumping in relationships can leave us feeling ashamed, lonely, and even confused as to why we feel drawn to engage in the behavior. While it’s healthy to vent to those we are close to on occasion, it’s important to know the difference between venting and dumping. Venting occurs when we’re attempting to process an emotion or an experience with someone we are close to and trust, and we are interested in using our personal power to resolve an issue.

What is emotional dumping, and why do we do it?

​Emotional dumping occurs when we are rehashing the emotion or event, divulging personal details early on in a relationship or to people we are not close with. Dumping is often a way to find temporary relief from difficult emotions or memories by releasing them onto someone else, however, there is usually an absence of personal power and an avoidance of change/inner work. In relationships, dumping can cause an imbalance where one person’s needs, emotions, and experiences leave little room for the other person to be seen and heard. For the person on the receiving end of the oversharing, it can feel overwhelming, uncomfortable, and with time can lead to resentment. 

You might overshare or trauma dump in conversations for a variety of reasons, each is deserving of self-compassion.

​If boundaries weren’t modeled to us in childhood, we grow up without a point of reference on how to form connections with others in a healthy way. If you have a history of trauma, what you view as normal details of your life can be experienced as trauma dumping and oversharing to others. Wanting to be seen and known for who we are is a natural human need. Trauma and PTSD can lead to chronic loneliness and a sense of isolation. Loneliness makes us more likely to overshare, revealing vulnerable information too soon in our relationships. This can make you more susceptible to entering abusive relationships, as abusers tend to target those vulnerabilities.

​The traumatized brain and body feel unsafe, and oversharing with others is an attempt to alleviate that sense of insecurity and anxiety by forming connections.  

​You may struggle with defining a sense of self, that is, knowing who you are outside of your trauma. Trauma can lead the brain to ruminate on painful memories and events in an attempt to find a solution to our unresolved pain. If you grew up in a home where children were seen and not heard, oversharing and trauma dumping can be the inner child’s way of reaching out for the help and validation they desperately needed but did not receive.

Oversharing can be a trauma response. ​You may have lived in an environment where you weren’t allowed privacy on a physical, material, or even psychological level. Oversharing can be a survival response-abusers can condition us to over-explain, justify, and defend ourselves until we begin to chronically overshare in an attempt to avoid conflict. Relationships with abusers can be intense, forming and progressing quickly due to forced intimacy.

Practice Setting Emotional Boundaries

​Healthy emotional intimacy takes time. Taking our time in relationships to get to know the other person and establish trust before we share deeply personal details can serve as a protective boundary that allows us to screen the people we allow into our inner circle. Your story and your experiences are yours to share as you see fit, and you want to share those details with people who have shown you that you can trust them.

​If you find yourself on the receiving end of someone who is oversharing or trauma dumping, it can feel incredibly overwhelming and emotionally draining. Chances are, you are an empathetic person who desires to help others feel heard and seen. This is a positive attribute and a strength, however, it’s necessary for your mental health and emotional wellbeing to practice boundaries around how much you are willing to listen and engage in these types of conversations. By allowing another person to trauma dump, you aren’t doing them any favors. This person might be unaware of the effect their behavior is having on others and their relationships.

​Taking on their emotional baggage is doing them a disservice-by trauma dumping on you, they may be unconsciously avoiding processing their pain and doing the healing work they would benefit from. Suggesting the individual see a qualified therapist who is trained in trauma work is a healthy loving boundary.

​If the individual isn’t interested in seeking the help of a trained professional, they may not be ready to do the healing work they need to do. In that case, stepping back from the relationship and giving yourself permission to release any sense of responsibility or obligation on your part might give them the room to self-reflect and seek the help they need.