In this blog post, we discussed how to create a loving inner parent, or compassionate other. Learning to meet our needs from the perspective of caring for our inner child gives us a new perspective that helps us practice self-compassion. Inner child work is commonly used in trauma work and can be useful in recovery from childhood abuse, substance use, and codependency. Creating a mental image of an inner nurturer or loving inner adult can help us begin the work of approaching our inner child with the guidance, compassion, and comfort they need to help us heal. If we didn’t have a relationship with a loving parent/trusted adult that provided us with consistency, safety, guidance, compassion, and warmth, we might struggle with the idea of reparenting our inner child. Our early caregivers give us a blueprint on how we structure and navigate our relationships, including our relationships with ourselves. If healthy parenting wasn’t modeled to us, it’s natural to struggle to reparent and nurture our inner child. The purpose of this process is not to focus on the deficiencies, failings, or struggles our parent figures may have had. Holding others responsible for their actions and acknowledging the ways we have been harmed, especially in the case of abuse and childhood trauma, can be healing. Once we have identified how we have been harmed and assessed our wounds, it is most productive to shift our focus towards our healing. Otherwise, we can become stuck occupying ourselves with struggling to make sense of and fix what is outside of our control. The purpose of this process is to shift the attention away from our parents’ behaviors and personal struggles, and instead begin to direct our focus onto our own healing and empowerment. Connecting to the inner child may be difficult for you if you lived in an environment that caused you to internalize a sense of shame, struggle with feeling disconnected from yourself and your emotions, and if you were conditioned to view self-care and self-compassion as selfish. Inner child work can bring up a variety of emotions, memories, and triggers, especially for those of us who have survived abuse and experienced trauma. It’s important to find a therapist that is familiar with inner child work and specializes in trauma. A trauma therapist can help you learn and implement grounding and de-escalation techniques to help cope with triggers and intense emotions that may surface. Inner child work is a great way to develop a deeper sense of self-compassion, self-esteem, gentleness, and patience as you trust the process. If a nurturing caregiver wasn’t available to you in your early childhood development, it can help to explore the qualities that a loving parent has. Exploring the qualities a loving parent has and how they might interact with their children can help begin to develop an internal image of what your inner parent looks like. Some examples of a nurturing parent include:
A nurturing parent is attuned to their child’s needs and wants to meet their child where they are at with consistency and compassion. They are on their child’s side and look out for their child’s best interests. Which qualities stood out to you? Knowing the qualities we needed most from our parents when we were children helps us begin to form an idea of how we might provide that parenting to ourselves in the here and now. How to Reparent YourselfIf your parent wasn’t often available and quality time with them was scarce, it might be healing for you to intentionally spend time engaging in the hobbies you love and prioritizing that special time with yourself. Similarly, if you experienced childhood neglect and your physical needs often went unmet, you might struggle to add structure and practice self-responsibility as an adult. Reparenting can look like scheduling doctor’s appointments, taking the medication you need, and sticking to a budget responsibly. You might decide to reparent yourself by adding more structure to your day and creating a routine to help you consistently care for yourself. This could look like scheduling a bedtime to ensure you get enough sleep or waking up at a set time so you’re able to get to work on time each day. Maybe you intentionally prep nourishing meals for yourself and pencil in time to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day. Some feel it is helpful to reparent by creating a chore chart to help them keep their home clean and comfortable. If your parent was emotionally unavailable and struggled to hold space for you to express your feelings, reparenting may look like practicing soothing strategies like self-hold, grounding, and positive self-talk. On an emotional and relational level, reparenting can look like spending time with people who have a positive impact on your wellbeing, advocating for yourself in your relationships and in the workplace, and setting boundaries. It can look like tuning in to what you’re feeling and honoring your emotions by self-validating and providing yourself with a healthy outlet to express yourself. If your parent held you to unrealistically high expectations and criticized you, reparenting yourself might involve intentionally acknowledging your strengths and celebrating your successes. Giving yourself permission to embrace your flaws and viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn can be healing in itself if you were exposed to harsh criticism as a child. Final ThoughtsReparenting can take many forms depending on what your current needs are and the unmet needs you may have carried with you from childhood. Inner child work is an ongoing process that allows us to get in touch with the most tender and vulnerable parts of ourselves that are in need of our love and nurturing. Some journaling suggestions:
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
January 2025
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.