Healing After Masking: A Grounding Guide for Autistic Women Recovering from Childhood Trauma

Many autistic girls grow up learning that their natural way of being is “too much” for the world. They notice early that their interests, tone of voice, or way of expressing emotions are met with confusion, laughter, or even punishment.

When this sensitivity to social feedback intersects with childhood abuse or neglect, the result can be a lifetime of performance. This is what psychologists call high masking.
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Masking becomes the armor that keeps them safe, accepted, and invisible all at once.

What Is High Masking? 

​Masking is when autistic people consciously or unconsciously camouflage their traits to fit social expectations.

For many girls and women, this means:

• Copying peers’ expressions, body language, or slang (becoming a chameleon to match others’ mannerisms, speech patterns, and even worldviews to connect and “fly under the radar”.

• Inner awareness that they’re somehow “different”-feeling on the outside looking in, even when surrounded by people they know.

• Smiling through discomfort or overstimulation.

• Refraining from voicing personal opinions, needs, and preferences to avoid perceived rejection and/or criticism.

• Forcing eye contact or polite conversation to appear “normal.”

• Some autistic females may invest excess time and energy into maintaining an attractive appearance to gain sense of safety through societal approval. Beauty and cosmetics can become a hidden special interest.

• Worrying they may be “missing” something or doubting own perception/instincts in social interactions.

• Suppressing sensory needs and emotions to avoid disapproval (can result in feeling numb, foggy, and dissociative).

• Become high-achievers in academics and/or careers as an acceptable way to create structure, gain social approval, find a sense of identity, and feel in control of their world.

• Stimming in hidden ways-picking cuticles, hair twirling, biting insides of cheeks, scrunching toes inside shoes, etc.​

While these adaptations may look like social skill, they often come from a place of survival, not choice.
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When abuse enters the picture-whether emotional, physical, or sexual; masking becomes not just a tool for social acceptance but a protective shield. The child learns that safety, love, and approval depend on keeping everyone else comfortable.

How Childhood Abuse Reinforces Masking

Children raised by unpredictable, critical, or unsafe caregivers often internalize the belief:
“If I can be good enough, quiet enough, or helpful enough, maybe I won’t get hurt.”

Autistic children are particularly vulnerable to this pattern because:

• They may not easily interpret nonverbal warning signs of anger or danger.
• Their meltdowns or shutdowns can be misread as defiance rather than distress.
• Caregivers may punish or shame them for sensory sensitivities or emotional expression.

So they adapt. They watch closely. They learn to study faces, tones, and moods — scanning for safety. This hyper-attunement, often mistaken for empathy, is actually a trauma response known as fawning.

The People-Pleasing Pattern

By adolescence or adulthood, many of these women are praised as dependable, polite, and endlessly kind. On the surface, they’re thriving — high-achieving, organized, socially adept.

But inside, they’re exhausted and anxious, often struggling with burnout, chronic pain, or emotional numbness.
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Common signs include:
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• Over-apologizing or taking responsibility for others’ emotions.
• Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when hurt.
• Feeling guilty for saying “no.”
• Over-explaining to ensure they’re understood.
• Constantly anticipating what others need.

Because people-pleasing is socially rewarded (especially in women) it’s often misinterpreted as emotional intelligence or compassion. But for many, it’s a fawn response rooted in fear of rejection or harm.

Why It’s Hard to Unmask

For someone whose childhood safety depended on appeasing others, authenticity can feel dangerous. Even minor boundary-setting may trigger guilt, panic, or dissociation.

These reactions are not “overreactions.” They are the body’s memory of what used to happen when needs or limits were expressed.

Healing involves unlearning the old survival logic:
“If I’m honest, I’ll be abandoned.”
“If I say no, I’ll be punished.”

The truth is, unmasking takes courage-not just emotionally, but physiologically. The nervous system must learn, step by step, that authenticity is safe now.

​Healing for High-Masking Autistic Women: A Reflection and Grounding Guide

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Healing the High-Masking Wound

1. Practice Self-Soothing That Honors Your Neurotype

Traditional self-care tips don’t always work for autistic nervous systems. Instead of forcing relaxation techniques that feel unnatural, focus on sensory regulation and embodied comfort.

Try:
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• Weighted blankets, compression vests, or deep-pressure hugs.
• Rhythmic motion — rocking, pacing, gentle tapping, or swinging.
• Listening to a favorite song or sound on repeat for grounding.
• Warm baths, cool compresses, or holding an ice cube to help shift states.
• Creating a “safe sensory kit” with soothing textures, scents, or fidgets.

The goal isn’t to suppress emotion but to show your body that it can feel and stay safe.

2. Reconnect With Your Authentic Self
If you’ve spent years performing, it’s natural to feel unsure about who you really are. The process of rediscovery can be both tender and empowering.

Try small steps like:

• Preference discovery: Keep a journal of your likes and dislikes — colors, sounds, foods, routines. This helps rebuild trust in your own perceptions.
• “Mask-off” moments: Schedule quiet time where you don’t need to socialize or self-monitor. Notice what feels freeing.
• Creative expression: Paint, write, garden, sing, or build something — not for productivity, but for play.
• Inner dialogue: Speak compassionately to your younger self. Say the words you needed to hear: “You’re safe now. You don’t have to perform to be loved.”

Authenticity is not a single revelation; it’s a daily practice of choosing yourself.

3. Support Somatic Release

Autistic bodies often store stress and trauma differently. It may feel like chronic tension, shallow breathing, or fatigue.

To gently support release, try:
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• Shaking out the body like animals do after stress.
• Progressive muscle release: tensing and relaxing one area at a time.
• Breath with movement: sighing, humming, or pressing your palms against a wall while exhaling.
• Grounding outdoors: walking barefoot, leaning on a tree, or letting sunlight warm your skin.

Somatic work teaches the nervous system that movement, expression, and stillness can coexist safely.

4. Relearn Safety in Connection

Fawning teaches that love equals self-erasure. Healing teaches that love allows presence.

Start by practicing small acts of authenticity in safe relationships:

• Express a mild opinion (“Actually, I don’t love that show”) and observe what happens.
• Ask for a small need (“Could we keep the lights dim?”).
• Allow trusted people to comfort you without performing gratitude.
• Surround yourself with neurodivergent-affirming spaces — therapy, peer groups, or online communities where you don’t need to mask.

Each of these moments re-educates your body: I can exist as myself and still belong.

A Path Toward Self-Compassion

For many autistic women, unmasking isn’t about rejecting all coping strategies — it’s about choosing the ones that feel aligned rather than fear-based.

Healing from both autism-related burnout and childhood abuse is possible when you stop equating compliance with worthiness.
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The child who once believed love had to be earned through perfection deserves to discover that being is enough.

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