Escaping Abuse Safely: Planning to Leave

Why Leaving is So Hard-And So Dangerous

Abuse isn’t always physical. It can be emotional, financial, verbal, sexual, or psychological. It often comes in cycles, with moments of calm and even affection that make it harder to recognize the danger or believe that leaving is possible.
Statistically, the most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they attempt to leave. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV):

• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men in the U.S. have experienced severe intimate partner violence.
  
• 75% of domestic violence-related homicides occur shortly after the victim attempts to leave or has already left.
  

This isn’t meant to frighten you—it’s meant to help you prepare. With the right support and planning, you can leave safely and begin a new chapter of your life.

Steps to Protect Yourself Before Leaving

​1. Create a Safety Plan

A safety plan is a personalized, practical guide that helps you avoid dangerous situations and know the best way to respond. A counselor, advocate, or hotline can help you develop this.

Plan your exit for a time when the abuser is least likely to be home or aware.

2. Pack an Emergency Bag

Keep it hidden or leave it with someone you trust. Include:

• Driver’s license, passport, Social Security cards (yours and children’s)
  
• Medications and prescriptions
  
• Cash or a prepaid debit card
  
• House/car keys, cell phone and charger
  
• A change of clothes and basic toiletries
  
• Legal documents: court orders, insurance, bank info
  

4. Establish Code Words with Loved Ones

Choose a safe word or phrase that signals you are in danger and need help. Keep it simple, like "Can you bring me the blue sweater?"

5. Arrange a Safe Place to Go

This might be a trusted friend or family member, a domestic violence shelter, or a hotel. If you're worried about being tracked, make sure your devices are location-safe before going. Be wary of what you post to social media accounts.

After You Leave-Staying Safe

Leaving isn’t the end of the story—it's the beginning of your healing. You may feel many emotions-guilt, fear, anger, and even grief for the loss of relationship, time spent, and a sense of disconnect from your authentic self.

During this time, it's important to ensure your safety:

• Change your locks and secure your new location.

• Update your phone, passwords, and privacy settings.

• Disable GPS or location tracking on phones and social apps.

• Alert trusted coworkers, school staff, and neighbors.

• ​Adopt a dog, install a security system/camera at your home

• Take a self-defense class

• Carry personal protection, such as mace or a personal safety alarm

• Continue to document date, time, and location of when you encounter the abuser should they continue to pursue you. This will help should you need to consider a Protection From Abuse (PFA) order

• Work with an advocate to develop a long-term safety plan

Healing is Possible

You may feel overwhelmed, scared, even guilty. These feelings are natural—but they are not permanent. You do not have to carry this burden alone. Therapy can be a powerful space to unpack trauma, rediscover your voice, and begin to trust again.​

​Seek Support.

• Trauma-informed therapy (many providers offer sliding scale fees)
• Support groups (offered at YWCA and Crisis Center)
• Journaling, art, mindfulness, and body-based healing like yoga or breathwork

​
There is no right pace. You get to heal on your terms.

​National and Birmingham-Area Resources

National Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) | thehotline.org
  
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE | rainn.org
  

Birmingham-Area Resources

• YWCA Central Alabama
  309 23rd Street North, Birmingham, AL 35203
  Crisis Line: (205) 322-4878
  ywcabham.org
  Offers emergency shelter, domestic violence services, legal advocacy, and support groups.
  
• Crisis Center Birmingham
  24/7 Crisis Line: (205) 323-7777
  crisiscenterbham.org
  Provides rape response services, counseling, and support groups.
  
• One Place Family Justice Center
  3613 6th Ave S, Birmingham, AL 35222
  Phone: (205) 453-7261
  oneplacebirmingham.com
  A centralized location for law enforcement, legal aid, healthcare, and counseling.
  

• ​SafeHouse of Shelby County

           P.O. Box 275, Pelham, AL 35124
           CRISIS LINE: (205) 669-7233 (SAFE)
           [email protected]

You Are Not Alone

If you're planning to leave, know this: You are not weak. You are not overreacting. You are not to blame. You are doing the hardest, bravest thing a person can do: choosing your life over someone else’s control.
Help is out there. So are hope, healing, and freedom. Please reach out.

​You deserve a life that is free from fear.

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