Doubting Your Own Reality? How Gaslighting Disconnects You from Yourself

​Gaslighting, especially on a routine basis, can deprive us of our sense of reality and cause us to disconnect from our true self. When we have grown up in an environment that continually invalidates our perceptions of reality and denies us of the opportunity to form our own identity, we learn to adopt a false self to survive.

Some examples of this may be when we voice an emotion and are told we are being too sensitive and dramatic, we are wrong for feeling the way we do, or we are accused of creating a “problem”. When we recall events and attempt to repair hurt within the dysfunctional relationship, the toxic individual might insist we are “making a big deal out of nothing” or that they don’t remember the event in question.
 
Sometimes our sanity is questioned, or faux concern is expressed for our wellbeing, the abuser’s way of subtly suggesting our perception of reality is incoherent and, well, just plain wrong. We are accused of being crazy and are subjected to crazy-making behavior.
 
When a child that is attempting to assert their independence and discover their identity is met with contempt, outrage, rejection, or dismissal, that child learns that who they truly are is inherently wrong. They learn to adapt their behavior to be more pleasing and fixated on the needs of the important figures in their life to gain acceptance. As this child grows up, this way of relating becomes their relational blueprint through which others are subconsciously viewed as authority figures from whom they must gain approval from. The child may abandon hope of establishing connection at a young age and grow up to project disapproval and distrust onto others.
 
When our sense of reality and emotional experience is routinely denied, we become conditioned to discount our own perceptions. This can lead us down a path of trivializing our emotions, second-guessing our interpretations of events, acquiescing to someone else’s stance, and struggling with decision-making. In essence, we learn to gaslight ourselves.
 
In dysfunctional and abusive environments, this behavior is a survival strategy; we shrink our sense of self in order to avoid being targeted-we go along to get along. Sometimes we justify this behavior as a means of keeping the peace, although inside, we feel anything but peaceful.  
 
We become locked in an internal battle with ourselves in which we are routinely abandoning and even betraying ourselves in favor of someone else’s interpretation of reality. We defer our right to think, feel, and speak honestly to another, and in essence, surrender our power. Speaking assertively, voicing our needs and desires, asking questions, expressing our emotions, and even physically taking up space in a room full of people can all feel overwhelming and can even be perceived as dangerous to the nervous system. Some may relate to this experience as social anxiety, others may recognize it as a byproduct of codependency, and still others perceive this as a learned survival mechanism that is part of a trauma response.
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If we were punished, rejected, or stonewalled for expressing our authentic voice and shining our light, we may have adapted to our environment by creating a false self. This false self is an image we have created to establish connection with our caregivers, loved ones, and even with those we perceive as authority figures. We have learned from our earliest experience that who we truly are is not acceptable, that we will be criticized, harmed, or minimized when we attempt to connect with others as our true self.
 
The false self we unconsciously fabricate allows us to establish connections, while still keeping our vulnerable true self from harm. Other times, the false self we’ve constructed avoids connection altogether and believes we will inevitably be rejected. Much of the behavior we engage in when we are operating from our false self can be viewed through the lens of trauma responses, such as fawn, freeze, flight, and fight.

The false self can be seen when we:

• Engage in people pleasing
• Monitor other’s emotional states
• Edit ourselves according to other’s desires (our words, bodies, clothing, preferences, etc.)
• Nod, smile, and laugh excessively in a subconscious attempt to appear less threatening
• Avoid sharing our thoughts
• Defer to others’ preferences
• Apologize for our feelings
• Avoid standing up for ourselves
• Avoid interacting with others
• Agree to requests without checking in with ourselves first
• Frequently cancel plans at the last minute
• Adopt a stony exterior and hold other’s at arm’s length
• Avoid sharing our own thoughts, feelings, and interests
• Over-accommodate or caretake other’s emotions
• Take responsibility for other’s lives
• Disconnect from ourselves: our dreams, values, bodies, emotions, opinions, etc.

 

Relating to others through the false self can cause feelings of loneliness and isolation, as we are not allowing ourselves to be seen and known for who we are. The false self can feel like a protective armor, shield, or cocoon in which we are hidden from others and immune to vulnerability. Yet, we can experience a heavy sense of shame and loss of self-respect when we are acting from the false self. We can sense on some level that we are not being truthful with ourselves or with others.
 
In fact, by acting out of this false self, we are depriving others of the opportunity to truly know us and emotionally connect with us. We are hiding our light, our strengths, and our contributions from the world. We are effectively doing the world a disservice. It is important we remember that we engage in this way of being to avoid pain, and to approach our wounded selves with compassion.
 
To experience the fullness relationships have to offer us, we must first begin to be real in our relationship with ourselves. Freedom lies in choosing to refrain from abusing ourselves in the way in which we were abused in the past. When we can create an atmosphere of safety and compassion within ourselves, we are creating a healing space in which we can gradually begin to step out from behind the cocoon of our false self and emerge as the individual we truly are.