Childhood Sexual Abuse by Narcissistic Parents

Narcissistic parents who sexually abuse their children

Narcissistic parents exhibit a startling lack of boundaries, especially with their own children, whom they tend to view as an extension of themselves or as a possession they own.

This lack of boundaries extends into almost every area of their lives, including their sexuality, sometimes emerging in their relationships with their children in the form of emotional incest, where the child is treated as a surrogate spouse and therapeutic confidante, and both covert and overt sexual abuse.

Covert sexual abuse is often subtle, making it challenging for victims to recognize and articulate. Having been consistently gaslit, minimized, and punished for displaying emotion and independent thought from an early age, children of narcissistic parents struggle to trust their inner emotional experience and perception of reality.

The child is taught from an early age that their emotions and experience of the world is unimportant and wrong.
 
The goal of this consistent chipping away at the child's perception of reality is to eventually disconnect the child from independent thought, authentic emotional expression, and the truth, which threatens the narcissistic parent's sense of control. The child, who has been led to believe their perception of themselves and reality is inherently faulty, then defers to the abusive parent to maintain a sense of reality, as does the rest of the family.
 
The abusive parent does what they can to portray the child to extended family, teachers, neighbors, and family friends as a troublemaker, overly sensitive drama queen, and/or a habitual liar.

Simultaneously, the narcissistic parent enjoys receiving the sympathy of onlookers on the outside of the family unit for parenting what they’ve been led to believe is a difficult, ungrateful child.
 
The child who is scapegoated in this way has the experience of others agreeing and aligning with the narcissistic parent’s assessment of them and as a result, take on this shame and sense of unworthiness.

​They come to believe they are hard to love and have nothing to offer, a belief that leads the child to conclude that they deserve the abuse.
 
This lays the groundwork for the abusive parent to maintain control over the family narrative and effectively isolate the child, who now has almost no one to tell about the abuse who will believe them. The child is intimidated, manipulated, punished, and gaslit into silence.

Narcissistic parents feel entitled to their child's body

Many narcissistic parents feel entitled to their child’s body and lack sexual boundaries.

This can manifest as:

• Barging into the child’s bedroom while they’re changing clothes
• Bursting into the bathroom while their child is using the toilet or showering
• Insisting on sharing a bed with the child
• The parent sharing excessive and inappropriate information about their sex lives
• Peering underneath doors or through keyholes to spy on their child
• Flirting with their child’s boyfriend or girlfriend
• Installing cameras in the house to watch their child, especially in inappropriate places such as the child’s bedroom and bathroom
• Subjecting the child to unnecessary enemas and suppositories
• Unwarranted, medically unnecessary examinations, typically under the guise of concern for the child’s health or as the “need” to check if the child’s virginity is intact
• Insisting on inserting the child’s tampons and refusing to teach or allow the child to do it herself
• Engaging in sexual activities in front of the child 
• Invasive questioning about the child’s sexual experiences
• Accusing/shaming the child for being sexually active and refusing to believe the child if they say otherwise
• Calling the child sexual slurs (e.g. slut, whore)
• Shaming the child’s developing sexuality and body
• Micromanaging the child’s appearance in an overly controlling way, forcing the child to dress and style themselves in a way that is more “pleasing” to them

They use humiliation and shame to feel powerful

The child is intentionally made to feel humiliated and powerless in their body on a regular basis.

​The abuser may insist on walking around the home without clothing on, exposing the child to pornographic material, calling their child sexual slurs such as “slut” or “whore”, and becoming jealous and attempting to shame or sabotage the child’s dating relationships.
 
When puberty begins, the narcissistic parent may loudly comment and point out the changes happening in their child’s developing body. Often, this stems from the parent’s jealousy of their child’s developing femininity or masculinity, and the narcissistic parent views their child as competition and is seeking to destroy the child’s self-esteem.
 
It’s not uncommon for narcissistic parents who are jealous of their developing child to accuse their child of attempting to seduce or attract attention from others, or invasively question their child about their sexual activity, often accusing the child of promiscuity. 

In extreme cases of jealousy, some narcissistic parents even accuse their child of attempting to “steal” their spouse or partner from them, even when the spouse or partner is the child’s other parent.

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The child's attempts at healthy assertiveness are stunted

As the child develops on both a physical and mental level, they naturally attempt to establish an identity of their own, something that is encouraged in healthy family systems. This includes practicing the assertiveness skills they'll need to thrive in adulthood.

This exploration of independence and healthy assertiveness can feel particularly threatening to the narcissistic parent’s ego, who has relied on the child remaining dependent on them to maintain a sense of control. The child's rightful attempts to set boundaries and to assert themselves are actively shamed, punished, and discouraged.
 
When the child has the natural impulse to assert a boundary and express anger at the parent's violation, the abusive parent is quick to steamroll this by punishing, gaslighting, threatening, and guilt tripping. The narcissistic parent may fly into a rage at what they perceive to be a challenge to their authority, choosing to retaliate with physical violence or verbal abuse.
 
They may gaslight the child with statements such as “I’m your mother/father, I know what you look like” or “Don’t be dramatic”, and guilt the child by appearing deeply wounded and withdrawing or stonewalling (“I guess I’m just the worst mom/dad ever”).

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Enablers of the abuse: Why didn't anyone do anything?

In many cases, even when there are members of the family who suspect sexual abuse, rarely do they come to the child’s aid, as they don’t want to “rock the boat” or risk making a false allegation. In narcissistic family systems, family members want to avoid being on the receiving end of the narcissist’s rage and smear campaign.

Enabling family members adopt a mentality of "better you than me" and choose to "go along to get along", opting to be complicit in the abuse by enabling it to continue. This "better you than me" mentality is a common reason why many adults in the family who witness the abuse choose to do nothing.
 
If they do speak up and step in to protect the child, the narcissistic individual will do everything they can to destroy their reputation and credibility, and ruin their relationships, often alienating them from the rest of the family.

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Conclusion

​It's essential to recognize that as survivors, we were never responsible for the actions of our abusers. The blame and shame belong solely to them. Learning to practice self-love and to reconnect with your body after childhood sexual abuse is a transformative, freeing experience, as you learn to step into who you truly are and release the burden of the abuse that was never yours to bear.
 
I encourage you to seek a therapist who has had specific training and specializes in trauma and abuse recovery. A trauma therapist can provide a safe space for survivors to explore their emotions, process trauma, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Support groups, either in online communities or in person, can offer a sense of community and understanding, fostering connections with others who have walked similar paths.
 
Recovery isn't about erasing the past; it's about reclaiming the present and creating the wonderful life you deserve. It involves setting boundaries, establishing healthy relationships, and rediscovering a sense of purpose. It's a journey of self-discovery, where we learn to trust ourselves and reclaim our true identity as someone lovable and worthy.

If you or anyone you know is in need of support, please contact RAINN for confidential 24/7 support through either their online chat or through the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673. 

For more resources, you can visit ​www.rainn.org/resources. For resources specifically geared towards adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, you can visit The Enough Abuse Campaign's website.

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