There comes a time in many survivors’ healing journey where they begin to question whether or not their abuser, be it a parent, romantic partner, or friend, ever really did love them. Defining love when you were raised in a narcissistic family becomes even more complicated and confusing. After all, as dysfunctional parents are all too happy to remind their children, they gave you a roof over your head and clothes on your back, you have no right to complain or feel deprived in any way. This is all confusing to the child, who in spite of being physically provided for, assuming they aren’t being physically neglected, doesn’t feel loved. This creates what is known as cognitive dissonance-their actual experience of the relationship with the dysfunctional parent is completely different from the messages they’re receiving from the parent. It sounds something like this:
The list goes on and on, and is further compounded by our culture’s insistent messages that all parents love their children, all mothers are self-sacrificial and nurturing, all fathers want what’s best for their children, all parents mean well, etc. Love and AbuseSome dysfunctional parents move the bar for love even lower-they raised you, so they love you. They’re biologically your parent, so that means that love is automatically present, regardless of how they provide for, nurture, protect, and guide you-if they do those things at all. The concept of love becomes even more warped and twisted when the parent physically, sexually, and verbally abuses the child-yet insists they love them, or worse yet, that they abuse the child because they love them. Love and abuse are demonstrated to be one and the same, when in reality, love and abuse cannot coexist. In truth, not everyone is capable of love. The child can become so desperate for love that they eagerly search for signs that their parent does love them, latching onto breadcrumbs of praise the abusive parent dispenses to keep the child striving after their approval. The child becomes susceptible to the attention that lurking predators both within the family and outside of the family are more than willing to give. Survivors become adults who aren’t quite sure what love really is. They might feel love towards their parent, but the experience of mutual, unconditional love is something they have been robbed of. Our culture, in combination with the messages we receive in childhood, can lead survivors to associate love with a warm, fuzzy feeling-butterflies in the stomach, heart flutters, a jittery rush of excitement and anticipation. This makes them susceptible to gravitating towards abusive partners, who tend to love bomb at the initial start of relationships, masquerading as everything the survivor ever wanted and more. Many survivors of childhood abuse cope by developing a fantasy that one day they will be perfectly and completely loved by a romantic partner who will fill the lack of love they feel inside. Understanding what love is allows survivors of narcissistic abuse to begin to love themselves and to have a standard for what healthy loving relationships look like. The more survivors learn to love themselves, the higher their capacity becomes to love and to be loved in a healthy way. The capacity to love, to consider another person and care for them without our own self-interest in mind, is what separates the survivor from the narcissist. Below are many different aspects of what love entails. Love is not limited to warm, fuzzy pleasant feelings. Love involves a willingness to self-sacrifice, prioritize others, and act in loving ways even in moments when we don’t necessarily feel like it. For children of narcissistically abusive parents, reading this list may bring to the surface a sense of grief, anger, and sadness for the love you deserved as a child but were deprived of. I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you proceed. Use this list as your new standard for the love that you deserve in your relationships. Just because you weren't treated with love, doesn't mean that you weren't deserving of it. As you read through the list below, examine the important relationships in your life. Are you being loved? Are you being loving? Loving someone means you act in loving ways towards them without any hidden agenda. You care for the other person and show them love in the ways that they need to be loved, rather than caring for them to manipulate a certain response out of them. There are no strings attached to the kindnesses you show them. You’re not acting in loving ways towards them to elicit praise, to make them feel indebted to you, or to gain outside approval. Loving another person means you look to help them feel seen and heard. Who they are as a person matters to you, and you want to continue getting to know them as you both change and grow throughout the relationship. You’re interested in hearing their perspective and understanding them. You respectfully listen to their point of view and hear them out, even if you disagree with them. You validate their emotions because you have the capacity to empathize with them and imagine how they must be feeling. Loving someone requires that you choose your words and actions carefully. You don’t want to hurt them and damage the relationship you have with them, because that relationship is precious to you. In moments of anger and frustration, you regulate your emotions and express yourself in productive ways, because you don’t want to cause them harm. You don’t talk badly about them with others or share private details of their life that they’ve entrusted to you. Seeing them hurt pains your heart, so you want to protect them from harm. Loving another person means you see them as a human being, not as a trophy, accessory, or object that you own. You’re not with them to gain outside approval or admiration. You’re with them because you value who they are, not what they can do for you, how much money they make, what they do for work, or for how they look. While you might appreciate some of those things about them, you’re far more interested in the person underneath the good looks and success. You love them for them, not for how good that being with them makes you look. What they think matters much more to you than what other people outside of the relationship think. Loving another person means that you’re there for them. When they need you, you do everything you can to consistently and reliably be there for them. You keep your word to the best of your ability, because you want to keep their trust. You’re there for them during the important milestones and celebratory moments, and you’re there for them through the hard times. Loving someone means you communicate with them. When you have an issue in the relationship, you don’t hold it against them and resort to passive aggression, guilt trips, or rely on hints to let them know you’re upset with them. You also don’t use violence or intimidation to get your way. They don’t have to get it right the first time without any guidance or communication from you. You’re willing to talk issues out with them, seeing conflict as a means of reaching a resolution and growing in the relationship together. You don’t expect them to read your mind and know what it is you need from them. You also don’t set unrealistic expectations for them or demand perfection. Loving someone means that you’re not possessive of them. You don’t try to exert control over them by discouraging their attempts to grow. You don’t want to hold them back or limit their potential, and you don’t feel entitled to do so. You don’t hold them responsible for meeting all of your needs. You let them exercise healthy autonomy and recognize that they’re their own person. As a parent, you might provide them with guidance and nurturing boundaries to keep them safe, but you do so with the intention of helping them grow. You want your child to have the tools they need to successfully leave the nest, not find ways to weigh them down and clip their wings to keep them from taking flight and starting their own lives. This means you don’t find ways to make them feel guilty for growing up, indebted to you for raising them, or neglect them by not providing them with the tools they need to succeed in life. Loving someone means you protect them and your relationship with them. You stand up for them and advocate for them when they need you to. You don’t allow others to speak badly about them to you or treat them poorly. Because you value and cherish your relationship, you don’t allow others to come between you. Loving another person means you’re honest with them. You don’t lie to them, gaslight them, or keep secrets from them. You approach them with honest intentions and there is no hidden agenda or ulterior motive behind your words and actions. You don’t make them doubt themselves or shift blame onto them to avoid self-responsibility. You respect them enough to tell them the truth, and you hold the relationship you have with them as something sacred, so you don’t want to damage their trust. Loving another person requires a willingness to change and grow. There’s a willingness to be flexible and make changes for the good of the relationship and for the other person. This means if there’s a pattern of behavior causing them pain, you’re willing to change that to ease their pain and maintain the relationship. You have a desire to grow in yourself and to grow with the other person. Loving someone means that you want to see them happy.Seeing their joy brings you joy. You know what matters to them and what excites them, and you make an effort to do those things to bring them happiness. When they achieve something, even if you feel a hint of jealousy or sadness for yourself, you are still happy for them. You want to see them succeed. When they win, you win. Loving another person requires that you take accountability for your behavior when you hurt them and look to make amends if possible. You don’t force them to walk on eggshells around you or tiptoe around your unresolved issues. This comes with a capacity for humility and a willingness to be self-responsible. This means admitting when you have made a mistake and caused the other person harm, without making excuses, shifting blame, or minimizing the impact your actions had on them. You own the baggage that you enter into the relationship with and take responsibility for working through it. Loving another person means that you see the good qualities in them. You seek to encourage those good qualities and bring them out. You give them acknowledgement and are generous with praise, letting them know that you appreciate them and see the best in them. This means you build them up, rather than tear them down. Loving the other person means you prioritize and consider them. You make time for them and set boundaries in your life to maintain the relationship. In little ways and in big ways, you let them know that you’re thinking about them. You think about how your words and actions will impact them. How they feel, what they think, and what they need matters to you, and you show them through your actions that they are a priority to you. Loving someone means you allow them to be themselves with you. They can be 100% completely themselves with you. They can experience the full range of human emotions with you and know that you will still love and care for them. You don’t attempt to make them fit into a mold or be someone else for your comfort or criticize them into conforming to your ideals. They have freedom to express themselves openly without fear of you rejecting or dismissing them.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.