“Hoovering”, reminiscent of how a vacuum cleaner sucks up dirt and debris, is a word for the narcissistic abuser’s attempt to suck their victim back in after the victim has ceased contact, distanced themselves, set a boundary, and/or ended the relationship. Hoovers can be disguised as pity ploys, apologies, sudden epiphanies, false promises, guilt trips, attention-seeking, reckless and irresponsible behavior, declarations of love and care, the abuser suddenly “needing” you or missing you, etc. Suddenly, they’re saying all the loving compassionate words that you wanted them to say before. They’ve had a sudden change of heart and are promising you they’ll do better and change their ways. They’re reaching out to your friends, family, or even your coworkers and expressing concern for your well-being and state of mind. Or maybe, they’re lashing out and verbally abusing you, threatening you, guilt-tripping you, and pointing the finger at you. The abuser seeks to utilize family events, funerals, holidays, sicknesses, accidents, birthdays, and any other circumstance as an opportunity to hook the victim back into the dysfunction. Some examples of hoovers include:
Hoovering can occur at any time-whether it’s a day, week, year, or ten years after you’ve estranged yourself, distanced yourself, or have ended contact with the narcissistic individual. The holidays provide abusers with a variety of opportunities and excuses to invade their victim’s boundaries. The sentimentality of holidays, anniversaries, and other special events can be weaponized to illicit feelings of guilt, obligation, and shame. Guilt and fear are their weapons of choice! The abuser will strive to garner the sympathy of onlookers and third parties who might be willing to step in on the abuser’s behalf to plead their case with the victim. They might portray the victim as heartless, selfish, mentally unwell or “crazy”, overly sensitive, unreasonable, ungrateful, unnecessarily cruel, etc. The abuser will surround themselves with supporters that are willing to support their narrative and pressure the victim to reunite with the abuser. The abuser is motivated to illicit feelings of guilt, anxiety, pressure, obligation, and shame in the victim in hopes that they can compel the victim to reach out again and resume the relationship. If you’re planning on ending your relationship with your abuser or recently have distanced yourself from them, it’s wise to anticipate their hoovers and reactive behavior. This can help ease any anxiety that may arise and provide you with a sense of personal protection. You can’t control your abuser’s actions, but you can control your own. Create a plan for how you want to handle unwanted gifts, visits, messages, and calls. In the event they reach out to a friend, neighbor, or coworker, what response would you like to give to these people? Will you open packages they send or throw them away upon receiving them? Is it best to block their phone number and social media accounts so they can’t easily contact you or keep tabs on your life via social media? Are you planning on asking a trusted friend or partner to vet any messages and calls, or to check your email for you during this time? If the abuser’s messages are too distressing for you to hear or read, it might be best to ask a willing and supportive friend or partner to check them for you. Take your safety seriously. Even if you’re not sure whether or not this individual will become violent, it never hurts to prioritize your personal protection. Take measures to help yourself feel safe. This isn’t to fuel feelings of paranoia, but rather to help you have peace of mind. This could mean installing a camera or security system, changing the locks on your doors, adopting a dog from a shelter who needs a home, carrying mace, taking a self-defense class, obtaining a concealed carry permit, etc. If you’ve directly stated in writing that you no longer desire contact with this individual, document it. Save emails, screenshots of text messages, harassing voicemails, records of anything received in the mail, and any police reports. Should the behavior escalate and become threatening or harassing in nature, you will have a paper trail to pursue a restraining order. Whatever measures of protection and safety help you feel secure and empowered, take them. Remember to consider your emotional safety and well-being. How do you plan on comforting yourself in the event they do reach out to you? Create a list of ways you can comfort yourself and of supportive people you can contact. If you aren’t already seeing a therapist, search for one who specializes in abuse recovery and trauma work. You can use sites like Psychology Today and BetterHelp to find therapists available online or in person that can help you navigate your healing journey and walk with you during this stressful time. Be gentle with yourself and prioritize practicing self-care. Weighted blankets, regular exercise, reading a book, deep breathing, and snuggling with a pet are all simple and effective ways to reduce stress and calm your nervous system. Remember: Responding to hoovers in any way rewards the behavior and encourages the narcissistic individual to continue, regardless of what your response is. Interaction or retaliation of any kind gives them a sense of satisfaction and control over you. No response is the best response.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.