One of the most useful skills to learn when healing from childhood trauma is how to notice, hold space for, and process emotions. Learning how to feel and allow any emotion allows the survivor to put themselves in the driver’s seat of their recovery-they no longer feel the need to suppress and avoid certain feelings, they are more in touch with themselves and develop a greater capacity to emotionally connect with others, and they develop confidence in their ability to cope with life’s difficulties. They are more able to experience life without being overwhelmed by it, and without needing a veil of dissociation or numbness to get through it. Emotional intelligence is a skill anyone can practice and develop. With consistency and time, you can gradually discover new ways to relate to your emotions, and the ability to recognize that you are not your feelings. If you can become an observer of your feelings and allow yourself to experience your emotions, you begin to feel limitless. What are emotions? Feelings vs EmotionsFeelings aren’t always based in reality-instead, feelings stem from the way that we think. If I notice the thought in my mind: “I don’t matter to anyone”, I might notice many different emotions happening inside my body at once-loneliness, despair, maybe even a sense of underlying bitterness. The thought “I don’t matter to anyone” may feel true because my emotions might feel so strong, but in actuality, it isn’t a factual, concrete reality that is scientifically observable. If I repeat this thought and buy into the emotions it creates, over time, I will have created a belief that “I don’t matter to anyone”. These patterns of thinking and the emotions those thoughts create can be used to build beliefs that are helpful, and beliefs that aren't helpful. The amazing thing is, when you know this, you can choose to think new thoughts that you want to be thinking. Feelings are things that we feel-emotions are the way that feelings resonate in our bodies. Emotions are your body communicating with you. This is always useful information! Our bodies are designed to intuitively communicate with us to keep us safe (ever get an anxious gut feeling when walking down the street late at night?). Our bodies also use emotions to communicate when a person, situation, or environment is good for us-lifegiving, fulfilling, loving, etc. Emotions are our bodies’ way of directly communicating with us. For instance, joy. You might be able to notice the feeling of being joyful, as you know that you are smiling, enjoying yourself, having fun, excited, etc. But what does the emotion of joy feel like in your body? Emotions feel slightly differently in every individual’s body. In my body, joy feels like a golden, humming, warm, bubbly sensation. My feet feel light, my heart feels warm and even bursting, my limbs might feel energized and want to move and dance. What Survivors of Childhood Trauma Needed but Didn't GetMany survivors of childhood trauma were not taught how to notice and allow their feelings, or how to discover healthy productive emotional outlets. Ideally, when a child is having a tantrum, the child’s parent can help them identify the emotion they’re experiencing and discover healthy outlets for that emotion. For instance, the parent might help them identify the feeling "frustrated", and encourage a different way to channel the aggression they feel that doesn’t involve hitting, yelling, or throwing toys. When children in dysfunctional families experienced emotional overwhelm, they may have been punished and even belittled. Many parents responded to their child’s distress with “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”, others responded with stonewalling and ignoring the child’s cries, some dismissed the child’s distress altogether with “You’re fine”, and others outright mocked their child’s emotional distress, teasing them for crying or calling them names. Many parents struggle to allow and process their own emotions, and holding space for their child’s emotional experiences feels overwhelming. Some parents were well-intentioned and responded in the ways that they themselves had been responded to when they were experiencing emotional distress as children. They may have responded in these ways out of their own frustration, stress, and exhaustion. Unfortunately, there are also abusive parents in the world who respond to their children’s distress with a lack of empathy and compassion altogether, while their own emotional experiences and needs take center stage in the family. Childhood Trauma Can Leave You Emotionally StuntedSurvivors of childhood trauma can struggle with both feeling their emotions, and with being overwhelmed by their emotions. When the child was taught to suppress uncomfortable feelings in their family of origin, they learn to intellectualize their feelings. They learn to bypass uncomfortable or unpleasant emotions and think their way through difficulties instead. This was an effective survival strategy growing up, as children raised in these environments often had to stuff their feelings to get their needs met and avoid rocking the boat in the family. Later in life, they can struggle with creating meaningful, fulfilling relationships, being emotionally honest and vulnerable with themselves and with others, and experience a sense of disconnect from themselves and the world around them. When we avoid holding space for uncomfortable emotions, we also lose the capacity to truly feel the more enjoyable emotions we want to feel. On the other side of the continuum, some children raised in dysfunctional homes witness adult caretakers who are overwhelmed by their emotions and struggle to process them in productive, healthy ways. They may have witnessed caretakers who behaved impulsively, recklessly, and/or used dysfunctional outlets for their emotions, such as physical violence, verbal abuse, substance use, etc. Children raised in these environments may learn from observing their caretakers that emotions are larger than life and something to be feared. They doubt their own ability to process and hold space for what they are feeling; emotions feel as if they take on a life of their own. How Do You Process an Emotion?Let's demystify the concept-especially when we are often told in recovery from childhood trauma to allow our feelings, but we may not be walked through the process on exactly how. The more you practice feeling your emotions, the more your brain will begin to automatically do it for you until it comes naturally to you. Reduce Mental ChatterIf you find yourself struggling with too much mental noise, it can be helpful to journal your thoughts, ideally writing them out, as the process of physically writing the words down can be the most cathartic for your brain. Set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes and let the words flow. Any thought you notice, any emotion you feel. Get it out of your brain and onto paper. Be Still and PresentIf you can find a quiet place to sit with yourself, great! If not, that’s okay too. See if you can shift your awareness to your feeling state. Sometimes, looking at a feelings wheel and seeing all of the different types of emotions can be helpful if you’re struggling to name the feeling you’re experiencing. You don’t have to worry about naming the exact feeling. Sometimes when you’re starting out, it’ll just be a feeling that falls within a certain category-like sadness, anxiety, happiness, relaxation, anger, etc. Turn your attention inward towards your body. Approach the process as an observer. Some find it helpful to pretend they’re a scientist observing the emotion, others approach the emotion as a loving caretaker or parent. If you’d like, you can use these questions to journal through the process, or you can just use them as a reference to walk you through feeling the emotion in the moment. Scan Your Body From Your Head to Your Toes
Give The Emotion an OutletSometimes, the process of feeling and observing the emotion is enough. Other times, the emotion needs more processing, and that’s okay. I’ve included a short list below of some emotional outlets that may help. Explore the outlets that work best for you.
Give It LoveWhatever emotion you’re experiencing, it’s trying to communicate with you. Notice the purpose that emotion has in your life, how it’s trying to serve you, and send it love and appreciation.
When you allow yourself to feel and process emotions, you’ll notice that they come and go. Even if you can’t control how you feel, you can control how you choose to respond.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.