Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and Healthy AssertivenessLiving with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can be an incredibly painful and difficult way to live, as the effects of past trauma effect the way we experience the world and relate to others. One crucial aspect of recovery is relearning healthy assertiveness and establishing boundaries. In this exploration, we'll delve into the process of overcoming the fawn trauma response, discovering and communicating boundaries, expressing needs, and embracing the strength found in vulnerability. Understanding Fawn Trauma ResponseIndividuals with CPTSD often develop coping mechanisms to survive traumatic experiences. The fawn trauma response is a common strategy, characterized by people-pleasing, over-accommodating, and subjugating one's own needs to avoid conflict. Recognizing this response is the first step towards healing. Learning Healthy Assertiveness SkillsRelearning assertiveness involves finding the balance between passivity and aggression. Assertiveness is not about dominating others but expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs with confidence and respect. Practice saying "no" without guilt and affirm your right to prioritize self-care. It can be helpful to practice assertiveness by picking one assertive phrase or boundary and speaking it out loud to yourself in the mirror. For example, "I won't be able to do that", "No thank you", or "Please don't speak to me that way". Do this while maintaining a confident posture; roll your shoulders back, plant your feet firm on the ground, stand up tall, and look yourself in the eye. If you feel comfortable, have a trusted friend, partner, or your therapist practice this with you. The more you practice, the more your nervous system begins to acclimate and become comfortable with maintaining a stance of self-respect. CPTSD and Excessive ApologizingSometimes, lack of healthy assertiveness can manifest as feeling compelled to excessively apologize and take responsibility for other's emotional experiences. You can start developing healthy assertiveness skills and a deeper sense of self-respect by noticing this urge to apologize and reminding yourself that you aren't responsible for other people's feelings. Having a friend or therapist hold you accountable for unnecessary apologies can be incredibly helpful. Communicating BoundariesTo effectively communicate boundaries, you need to be aware of what your boundaries are. This requires you to begin to practice getting in touch with your body and your inner sense of self. For instance, if I were to ask you, “Do you like pineapple on your pizza, yes or no?” Your gut instinct will likely respond with either “Yes pineapple is good on pizza!” or “Ew, I don’t like pineapple on pizza”. Your gut instinct knows what is for you and what isn’t. When we’re children, we’re naturally in tune with this instinct and have no trouble expressing what we want and what we don’t, what’s comfortable and what isn’t. Over time, you might’ve lost touch with this part of yourself. Sometimes, this stems from cultural messages about the need to be “nice”, meaning being likeable and agreeable to “keep the peace” and ensure social belonging. This kind of messaging is compounded when one grows up in a dysfunctional and abusive family system. To express personal preferences and set boundaries risked not only loss of relationship with your primary caregivers, but possibly punishment in the form of abuse. Often, children raised in abusive environments learn to shrink themselves down, minimizing their own needs to avoid rocking the boat, sometimes adapting by anticipating and tending to the abusive parent’s needs in hopes of earning praise and maintaining a semblance of connection. Take time to reflect on your values, needs, and limits. What makes you feel uncomfortable or triggered? Identifying these aspects will empower you to build a foundation for healthy relationships. Use clear and direct language, expressing your needs without apology. Communicate assertively, emphasizing your right to set limits for your emotional well-being. When you communicate what your boundaries are, you set the precedent for open communication in your relationships that others can also benefit from. Expressing Your NeedsMany individuals with CPTSD struggle to articulate their needs due to fear of rejection or abandonment. Start by acknowledging your needs to yourself and exploring what they are. What are the physical, social, emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual needs that you have? What are other categories you might come up with? Jot these down in a journal. Create a list under each category and begin to take note of what you might need. Consider ways those needs can be met either through yourself, others, or a higher power. Healing can’t happen within a vacuum; we need relationships and a sense of community to thrive and grow. Acknowledging what your needs are lays the groundwork for developing healthy self-esteem, something that you were likely deprived of in childhood. Develop the courage to express those needs with others, remembering that your needs are valid and deserving of attention. The more you begin to consider and prioritize meeting your needs, the more self-respect you will develop, and the more you will come to build your relationships from a foundation of mutual respect. Finding Strength in VulnerabilityBeing seen and valued is something many trauma survivors were deprived of in our early relational experiences. When we grow up being shamed for attempting healthy self-expression and boundaries, we learn that to express who we truly are is to invite shame, criticism, and rejection. In some abusive family systems, children are shamed for expressing negative emotions and experience rejection or punishment for crying; phrases such as “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “Go to your room until you’ve calmed down” are common. The dysfunctional parent responds in such a way because they don’t have the emotional tools they need to regulate their own emotions, and in turn, they lack the tools to guide and hold space for their child’s emotional experiences. In healthy, secure family systems, children are given guidance on how to process their emotions and are met with mirroring and soothing from the parent. The parent is able to allow their child to have their own emotional experience, and can sit with the child while helping them reregulate. Embracing vulnerability is a powerful step towards healing. Vulnerability is not a weakness but a display of strength and authenticity. The more you are able to be yourself in the world, the more seen and understood you will feel by others around you. You will begin to form relationships with people who appreciate who you truly are and share similar values with you. This helps begin to erode the felt sense of not belonging and isolation that many with CPTSD experience. Many discover that others respond positively to them being more themselves, rather than eliciting a rejecting or critical response they often received from their dysfunctional parent in childhood. Find one person you can share a part of yourself with. Share your experiences, fears, and triumphs with those you trust. Choose a small thing to disagree over, like which movie to see or where to go for dinner. Opening up creates connection and fosters understanding, enabling genuine relationships to flourish. Choosing to gradually allow people to see you and truly know you is the way to create the sense of belonging and connectedness that many trauma survivors have yearned for since childhood. Finding Your VoiceRediscovering personal boundaries becomes a pivotal aspect of the recovery journey, empowering individuals to reflect on their values and needs. Gradually practicing showing up as yourself allows you to have the experience of feeling truly seen and known for who you are, something that may not have been valued or encouraged when you were growing up. As you continue to practice being more yourself in your interactions with others, the people that are meant to be in your life will gravitate towards you and appreciate the unique qualities you have to offer. By being more yourself, you also provide others with the sense of safety they need to be their authentic selves with you. Learning assertiveness is about finding a balance between passivity and aggression, expressing thoughts and needs with confidence and respect. As you begin to develop healthy assertiveness skills, it can be normal for the pendulum to sometimes swing between passive and aggressive, until you learn what healthy assertive communication looks and feels like. Communicating boundaries is an essential skill that involves getting in touch with one's inner sense of self, reclaiming the instinctive ability to express personal preferences without fear of repercussions. With time, you will come to trust that no matter the response others may have to being more yourself, you have the confidence to continue to navigate life as the person you authentically are.
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
October 2024
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.