When a coaching or therapy client asks me this question, they’re either nearing or have already reached a place of emotional exhaustion and relational burnout. They’ve grown weary and distrustful of others after a long string of failed relationships and have begun to suspect that they are the problem; “After all”, they reason, “I am the common denominator here”. They feel that their life has become a revolving door of encountering the same toxic personality in different people. Toxic and abusive friends, exes, partners, neighbors, coworkers, and bosses. When life feels incredibly bleak, they wonder if that is “all there is out there” and might be tempted to give up on connecting with other human beings altogether or accept the dysfunctional relationships they have to avoid the pain of loneliness. Abusers are Attracted to The LightNarcissistic people gravitate towards individuals who have qualities that they can benefit from, by association or exploitation. They choose a partner who is attractive, has a successful career, strong morals, has a vibrant personality, etc. They’ll surround themselves with friends who also have something to offer-money, status, empathy, generosity, a willingness to affirm their greatness and overlook their behavior, etc. Their ability to obtain a high quality significant other further bolsters their ego. Let me say this again: They don’t gravitate towards individuals with nothing to offer them. They gravitate towards individuals with the admirable qualities and successes they wish they had but can’t be bothered to cultivate in themselves. With time, their partner’s strengths begin to brush up against their inner wounds of inadequacy and shame. Jealousy creeps in, especially in moments where their partner’s success seems to steal the spotlight they believe is rightfully theirs. The partner is expected to walk the delicate eggshell-ridden tightrope between performing to their abusive partner’s standards while simultaneously not triggering their insecurities. To affirm their greatness, they will set about “knocking their partner down a few pegs”, seeking to bring them down to their level. If they can get a wonderful person to feel unworthy, ashamed, and to question their sanity, they can enjoy a sense of power and superiority over that person. Why Do I Keep Ending Up in Toxic Relationships?Clients who ask me this question tend to come from similar backgrounds. Growing up, they were raised by a parent who had unresolved wounds from trauma of their own, an untreated mental health condition, or an addiction of some sort. Likely, this parent had traits of an undiagnosed personality disorder, such as narcissism, borderline, and/or sociopathy. The pattern goes something like this: They meet a new person and feel a sense of familiarity they mistake for closeness. They later realize this person simply felt like home, for better or worse. Even when the initial stages of the relationship appear rosy on the surface and this new person seems to fit them like a glove, there is usually an underlying sense of unease they either ignore, rationalize, or can’t seem to put their finger on. This new relationship might be progressing too fast, the other person may express little to no interest in getting to know them, or conversely, appear to be overwhelmingly fascinated by them and want to know everything about them. Boundaries might begin to be violated in subtle ways, and there’s an unsettling feeling that they must avoid directly communicating their true thoughts, feelings, opinions, and preferences to avoid rocking the boat. Those who grow up experiencing chronic emotional neglect will often find themselves entangled in relationships with individuals who are quick to dismiss their emotions, are disinterested in authentic connection, and/or have an inability to practice healthy vulnerability in their relationships. These are people who would rather resort to manipulation, guilt-trips, and passive aggressive communication to get their needs met, and expect others to anticipate their needs, while simultaneously feeling they shouldn’t be burdened by others’ relational needs. They have an attitude of entitlement and can be highly vindictive when they feel they’ve been slighted. Honest, transparent communication is difficult for the emotionally neglected childhood trauma survivor; they fear that if they directly state how they feel or what they need in their relationships, they will quickly be steamrolled over or it will fall on deaf ears. They expect any vulnerabilities they share to be used against them as it may have been when they were children. They have learned that they do not matter as children and carry this with them into their adulthood. For children who were frequently parentified and made to assume the role of caretaker growing up, they learn to relate to others through giving, whether the giving is material or emotional. They give their presence, an attentive ear, and emotional attunement. They may gravitate towards individuals with unresolved wounds, using their gift of empathy in an unhealthy way to achieve a sense of self-worth and security in the relationship. Their energy is directed towards anticipating and meeting other’s needs, often unconsciously, without others having to ask. They feel that it is their duty to put others before themselves and carry the belief that considering themselves and not meeting a need they see in others is selfish. This makes them susceptible to entering into relationships with individuals who chronically avoid self-responsibility and live from a posture of helplessness. Even more dangerously, individuals who use pity to illicit caretaking and extract a sense of obligation in others only to manipulate, control, and abuse them in a variety of ways. What the adult caretaker child needs to understand is that allowing others to assume responsibility for their own emotions and behavior is respecting their autonomy and leaving space for them to learn the lessons they need to grow. Commit to AuthenticityIt isn’t that securely attached, supposedly “perfectly healthy” people don’t encounter toxic and narcissistic individuals. They do! The difference is, they’re grounded in their sense of self and trust their gut. Somewhere along the line, they were modeled or taught how to advocate for themselves and prioritize their own feelings enough to trust their perception of reality. They may not know if the other individual is narcissistic or not, and they don’t spend their time in self-doubt agonizing over whether or not the other person is problematic. They simply notice the unpleasant feeling they get around this person and choose not to interact with them if possible. The only difference between the securely attached, healthy individual and the trauma survivor is that the healthy individual was taught these skills and has practiced them, often without realizing it. These are skills that can be learned. The two things that will set many adult children free from the revolving door of toxic relationships is to 1.) Commit to authenticity and 2.) Develop healthy boundaries. Both go hand in hand. Often survivors are aware they need to rekindle their sense of self and learn to use boundaries, but don’t know how. They might fear acting as their true self, since for many victims of abuse, they were frequently punished and rejected by their abusive parent for authentic self-expression. The start to healing this deeply engrained belief is to consistently remind themselves that their authenticity is what will ultimately protect them from entering future toxic relationships. Being authentic requires knowing what your values are. What are the traits you value in yourself and in others? What qualities do you admire and find meaningful? What goals, passions, and visions do you have for your future? When you are grounded in your sense of self, it becomes very difficult to allow a manipulator to enter your life and convince you to stray from your values. You will notice the uneasy feeling you have around them and rather than rationalizing, giving the benefit of the doubt, or dismissing it, you will trust that intuition and congratulate yourself on dodging a bullet. You will notice their values don’t match with yours, and that a relationship with them doesn’t align with the vision you have for the life you are creating. And the beautiful thing is, you will naturally gravitate towards others who have similar values and standards to yourself. Vet the People You Allow in Your LifeLearning to reframe your concept of what boundaries are and what they mean will allow you to use them without toxic guilt and shame creeping in to cloud your vision. Regardless of what the narcissistic person might say, setting boundaries with them is actually loving. By setting limits to destructive behavior, you aren’t allowing them to continue to harm yourself or others, and you’re giving them an opportunity to take accountability and self-reflect. Rarely will they take that opportunity and see it as the gift that it is, but some unhealthy individuals just might, and it may be the loving conflict they need to kickstart their road to healing. Conflict isn’t necessarily bad, it can even be necessary and healthy. The negative connotation conflict has with many survivors of abuse is that it was loaded with manipulation, physical and/or verbal abuse, inappropriate outbursts, rejection, and retaliation for bringing an issue to light. Healthy conflict is a good thing. It allows people to come together and be open about their feelings, repair ruptures in the relationship, and come to know one another on an even deeper level than before. Conflict can be the steppingstone to the next level of development for a relationship if we allow it to be. Boundaries are a way of preserving relationships and ensuring they won’t erode due to built up resentment, hurts, and fractures of trust over time. They’re also a way of vetting the people you allow into your life. When you set limits or voice a preference with someone, you get to see how they choose to respond. That information can tell you a lot about who they are and how capable they are of healthy, respectful communication. Do they get offended that you dared to call them out, or defensive, telling you that you’re asking for too much? Or do they get dismissive and insist you’re being too sensitive? Do they pull what I call an “UNO reverse” and use the moment to bring up their own hurt feelings over a past offense you’ve supposedly committed against them? Often, with an unsafe person, when you express a feeling, they view it as an attack to their ego and see healthy vulnerability as weakness. They might become reactive and accusatory, or resort to stonewalling and passive aggressiveness, looping in others and escalating the conflict far more than necessary. People who are unsafe to connect with will have a historical pattern of stagnation due to their fear of leaving their comfort zone and acknowledging that they have room for improvement. If you’ve known them for quite some time, you’ll look at their life and notice that they rarely are willing to do any sort of work to introspect and create lasting changes, even though they might frequently promise change to those closest to them. Rarely are they able to sustain relationships long-term, and when there is a falling-out with someone, they’ll insist the other person is entirely to blame and seek to control the narrative to ensure others regard them as the victim or well-intended person who was taken advantage of and wronged. You’ll notice that for years, they’ve struggled with the same sorts of reoccurring issues in the way they conduct their lives and navigate their relationships. Green Flags to Look ForA safe person to connect with will listen with the intention of understanding your perspective and learning where things went wrong. They’ll want to correct their behavior if they’ve done something to damage the relationship and will be able to acknowledge that they made a mistake. They’ll ask questions to better understand and will be willing to see your point of view. They’ll take ownership of the behavior they’re responsible for and take it a step further by putting any changes they promise to make into action. They can put aside their ego for the sake of the relationships that matter to them. They aren’t afraid of being wrong and are capable of self-reflecting and have a desire to grow. When you look at their life if you’ve known them for a period of time, you’ll see consistent efforts to change and improve themselves. This willingness to change allows them to develop deeper, lasting relationships. Interested in Coaching or Therapy Services?
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Hi, I'm Hazel!I'm an Associate Licensed Counselor in Birmingham, Alabama and provide Trauma Recovery Coaching worldwide!
I earned my M.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Montevallo. My special interests include trauma healing, abuse recovery, and attachment work. Archives
January 2025
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Disclaimer: All content is for informational and educational purposes only. The opinions stated within my content are mine and they do not represent the ACA, APA, any other individual, therapist, institution, or organization.